Adult Education/Parenting
Preventing Misbehavior by Dr. Brandi Henson
Sunday, March 27, 2011
Being the parent of a young child can be an amazing and rewarding experience, but can also be filled with challenging moments as your little one tries to establish his independence and test your limits. Be prepared to handle your child’s strive for autonomy with these tried-and-true positive discipline techniques for preventing misbehavior.
1. Build a positive relationship. The first step in being an effective disciplinarian is to establish a solid foundation between you and your child by spending quality time together. When your relationship is based on love and trust, your child will be more willing to accept limits from you.
2. Pay attention – well, sometimes. Giving attention to a behavior makes it more likely that the behavior will happen again. Unfortunately, negative behavior is more likely to get your attention (“Sam, don’t hit your brother again!”), making it even more important to notice the positive things your child does. Before Sam hits Charlie, comment on how nice it is that he is sitting quietly or playing by himself (“Wow, Sam, I’m so proud of you for playing with your brother so nicely!”)
3. Be a good role model. Much of what children learn is from observing what others do. Ever had your 3-year old repeat the less-than-ideal phrase you cursed at the person who cut you off? Because many tantrums occur when a child is frustrated, it is important to set a good example for how to stay calm and deal with difficult situations.
4. Have regular routines. Children need predictability and stability so they know what to expect from the world and what is expected of them. Having set routines also helps prevent negative behavior because it cuts down on the number of commands or instructions you need to give.
5. Give transition warnings. Expecting your child to suddenly stop playing and go to the grocery store is the same as someone demanding that you leave the beach immediately without warning. To help him prepare for a change in activity, give transition warnings such as, “In 5 minutes, it will be time to put the blocks away” or “You can take one more turn on the slide and then it’s time to leave.”
6. Set your child up for success. Be sure your child’s basic needs are being met. Many tantrums can be avoided by making sure your child is well-rested and fed, and has adequate stimulation. When you need to run errands all morning, bring a “bag of tricks”, including healthy snacks and small toys or trinkets that you know will capture your child’s attention.
7. Avoid power struggles. Give choices to help children feel like they have some control over their environment. Try to offer one or two options, so you don’t overwhelm the child, and be sure to avoid setting up a situation where one of the choices is to avoid the task. For example, rather than, “Do you want to wash your hair?” say, “Do you want to wash your hair first or your body first?”
8. “You cannot… but you can…” When you have to say “No”, try to redirect your child’s attention to another activity. Let her know what she CAN do instead. “You cannot jump on the bed, but you can jump on this mat.”
9. Say what you mean. When you give your child a command, be clear and specific, and tell him what you WANT him to do. Try to reduce the number of “Stops” and “Don’ts” you give, and focus on giving positive commands like, “Please put the toys in the box gently” rather than “Don’t throw that”.
10. Mean what you say. When you do give a command, be prepared to follow through with it. Remember, all children test limits! While it is never fun to have your authority challenged, this is a normal part of children’s development, and it is one of the ways that children learn about the world around them. Consistency is the key to ensuring that your child learns to do what you say. When your actions are consistent with your words, your child will know what to expect from you, which results in fewer behavior problems.
Column written by Dr. Brandi Henson for SuzySaid Acton.
As a child psychologist located in Acton, Brandi Henson specializes in working with young children who are experiencing social, emotional, and/or behavioral difficulties. Because young children's development is heavily influenced by the parent-child relationship, she emphasizes working with parents when possible. Please contact Dr. Henson to set up an initial appointment to determine the best treatment plan for you and your family.
282 Central Street
Acton, MA
(508) 868-4251
1. Build a positive relationship. The first step in being an effective disciplinarian is to establish a solid foundation between you and your child by spending quality time together. When your relationship is based on love and trust, your child will be more willing to accept limits from you.
2. Pay attention – well, sometimes. Giving attention to a behavior makes it more likely that the behavior will happen again. Unfortunately, negative behavior is more likely to get your attention (“Sam, don’t hit your brother again!”), making it even more important to notice the positive things your child does. Before Sam hits Charlie, comment on how nice it is that he is sitting quietly or playing by himself (“Wow, Sam, I’m so proud of you for playing with your brother so nicely!”)
3. Be a good role model. Much of what children learn is from observing what others do. Ever had your 3-year old repeat the less-than-ideal phrase you cursed at the person who cut you off? Because many tantrums occur when a child is frustrated, it is important to set a good example for how to stay calm and deal with difficult situations.
4. Have regular routines. Children need predictability and stability so they know what to expect from the world and what is expected of them. Having set routines also helps prevent negative behavior because it cuts down on the number of commands or instructions you need to give.
5. Give transition warnings. Expecting your child to suddenly stop playing and go to the grocery store is the same as someone demanding that you leave the beach immediately without warning. To help him prepare for a change in activity, give transition warnings such as, “In 5 minutes, it will be time to put the blocks away” or “You can take one more turn on the slide and then it’s time to leave.”
6. Set your child up for success. Be sure your child’s basic needs are being met. Many tantrums can be avoided by making sure your child is well-rested and fed, and has adequate stimulation. When you need to run errands all morning, bring a “bag of tricks”, including healthy snacks and small toys or trinkets that you know will capture your child’s attention.
8. “You cannot… but you can…” When you have to say “No”, try to redirect your child’s attention to another activity. Let her know what she CAN do instead. “You cannot jump on the bed, but you can jump on this mat.”
9. Say what you mean. When you give your child a command, be clear and specific, and tell him what you WANT him to do. Try to reduce the number of “Stops” and “Don’ts” you give, and focus on giving positive commands like, “Please put the toys in the box gently” rather than “Don’t throw that”.
10. Mean what you say. When you do give a command, be prepared to follow through with it. Remember, all children test limits! While it is never fun to have your authority challenged, this is a normal part of children’s development, and it is one of the ways that children learn about the world around them. Consistency is the key to ensuring that your child learns to do what you say. When your actions are consistent with your words, your child will know what to expect from you, which results in fewer behavior problems.
Column written by Dr. Brandi Henson for SuzySaid Acton.
As a child psychologist located in Acton, Brandi Henson specializes in working with young children who are experiencing social, emotional, and/or behavioral difficulties. Because young children's development is heavily influenced by the parent-child relationship, she emphasizes working with parents when possible. Please contact Dr. Henson to set up an initial appointment to determine the best treatment plan for you and your family.
282 Central Street
Acton, MA
(508) 868-4251
